Hillary Clinton’s Shocking Health Secrets: the Truth Exposed!

Wild and irresponsible speculation about Hillary Clinton’s health were brought to an abrupt halt earlier today with the publication of a full and damning report that appeared in this week’s issue of the medical journal Hysteria.

Government to Clamp Down on Layabouts and Scroungers

The Secretary for Unemployment, Slim Pickings, today announced to a hushed and largely servile press conference a shock u-turn in the government’s traditional policy on benefits and handouts to people who refuse to work.

He explained that the government’s strategy for economic recovery, once hailed as a “veritable Titanic of fiduciary wisdom” is to be abandoned. This policy is predicated on the scientific theory that if you reward people for not working by giving them billions of dollars everything will be all right. While many say that two hundred years is not long enough to test any policy and a couple of thousand would be more appropriate in that it gives plenty of time for a miracle to occur and the natural laws of the universe to spontaneously change, the government is having second thoughts.

Armed French Police Surround Man with Beard

by Steve Cook

French police today arrested a man after he terrorised a beach in a suspected Muslim outrage.

John Bystander, 23, a British holidaymaker from from Dun Working in Surrey, was sunbathing on the beach at Pas De Fromage, on the French Riviera when he was surrounded by armed police in full combat gear from the elite anti terrorist unit known as the SRRE (Squad Rapid Réaction Exagérée).

Vladimir Putin Wins Emmanuel Goldstein Award!

by Steve Cook

A televised gala dinner at the Savoy Hotel in London saw popular hate-figures receive the coveted Emmanuel Goldstein One-Month-Hate Award.

Similar in prestige to the Oscars and known popularly as the “Adolfs” the monthly award is given to the person who has contributed most to worthy causes such as making sure nobody blames the government for the state of the planet or keeping popular oligarchs such as George Soros or Nathan Rothschild from being chased down the street and lynched by angry citizens.