Vladimir Putin to Flood West with Marmite Substitute!

Tesco's recent refusal to stock Marmite has ignited a firestorm of fury that threatens to tear civilisation apart.

It started when Swiss company Unilever owned up to being Marmite's manufacturer and then made matters worse by trying to hike the price of the controversial substance, citing the falling pound making imports more expensive. This was despite the fact that Marmite is produced in Britain and only the Brits can be persuaded to eat it.