Outraged Neasden Library to ban Enid Blyton

Hopes rise that libraries across the nation will strike similar blows for freedom and tolerance

Enid Mary Blyton, born in London in 1897 but, sadly, feared dead since 1968, was an English children's writer and the seventh best selling fiction author of all time. Her books have sold more than 600 million copies worldwide. She is best remembered for her Noddy, Famous Five, and Secret Seven series. However, a library in Neasden has today removed all her books from their shelves and adopted a policy of revoking the library membership of anyone who asks for them. It is hoped that libraries across the nation will follow their example and strike similar blows for freedom and tolerance.

Happy People may be Mentally Ill - say not-at-all-mentally-ill doctors

Scientific research unexpectedly pinpoints an imbalance of chemicals in the brain amid fears of an epidemic.

As you know, psychiatrists strive continually to find ways to improve the health and well-being of the pharmaceutical industry and to bring to our society the tranquility so characteristic of the planet's best and most peaceful graveyards.
Some mentally ill people

They have long since identified cheerful or lively people as being among society's most troublesome elements. It is only recently however that scientific research, the nature of which must remain confidential, has discovered the source of this worrying condition: an imbalance of chemicals in the brain.

The Surface-Dwelling Cow Facing Extinction, Scientists Warn

A recent scientific breakthrough saw genetic engineers successfully cross a cow with a rabbit. The birth of the first bovine-rabbit hybrid - known as the Cabbit - came after many years of failed attempts, mainly due to difficulties in finding a bull willing to participate in the unusual mating process.

The purpose of the research was to provide a much-needed shot in the arm to the veal and beef industries by producing a cow that would breed like . . . er, rabbits, with a calving Cabbit able to produce a litter of ten or more calves three or four times a year. The economic advantages of the increased yield are obvious.

England Fans Riot in Russia, Attack England Fans in Brexit Brawl

Violence flared at the World Cup today when England fans became embroiled in a mass brawl with England fans.

The trouble was provoked by FIFA's earlier warning that England fans could be punished if they indulged in any pro-Brexit, anti-EU chanting.

This, predictably, guaranteed that England fans would take the warning to heart, pull out all the stops, exercise their human right to taunt whomsoever they please, especially foreigners and spend the entire ninety minutes of today's match gleefully chanting anti-Eu, pro-Brexit sentiments at the tops of their voices.

Knife-throwing Monkey Protects Home from Intruder

Ninjapet Dismembers Burglar

by Steve Cook

Ninjapet Defenders Ltd (NDI), a company at the cutting edge of home security, today expressed its pride and pleasure at the recent performance of Malcolm the Monkey, one of its top-of-the-range, state-of-the-arts of products, 

NDI supplies pets highly trained in various martial skills so as to present a deadly but at the same time cute and cuddly added security for your home or office, especially in fighting off and/or mutilating and/or |(preferably) killing unwelcome intruders such as burglars, bailiffs, and so forth. At the same time it provides household pets with improved career opportunities and the opportunity to earn their keep instead of sitting around all day eating and leaving stains on the carpet.

A case in point is Malcolm, a monkey highly trained in the skills of knife-throwing. Last Monday night he skilfully and with deadly precision dismembered a burglar who had broken into a home in Shrewsbury armed only with a set of Indonesian antique throwing knives (the monkey that is, not the burglar) and is now being hailed a hero. Some have criticised the ferocity with which Malcolm took out the intruder and then threw his head at passing cars but it is believed he must have mistaken the burglar for a political canvasser.

Ninjapets provide a comprehensive range of trained pets or, if you prefer, train your existing pet (except goldfish) into becoming deadly killing machines in only three weeks of full-time training.

Such pets include:

Researchers Teach Gorilla that Brexit Stole His Future

by Steve Cook

In the wake of startling successes in teaching apes sign language, researchers at  The University of Neasden have made another breakthrough. 

They have extended the vocabulary of basic signs of Dennis the Gorilla to 347. Dennis has proven able to communicate and assimilate increasingly complex concepts and they have finally managed to get him to understand how Brexit has stolen his future. 

At a recent press conference, in which he demanded a second referendum, a distressed and gloomy Dennis told reporters that what Brexiters have failed to appreciate is . . .  (continued on page 1132)

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Missing Bike may have frozen to Death

The nation is in mourning today following news that the bike that was reported missing three weeks ago has been found dead on the edge of Epping Forest.

It was believed to have been the victim of an abduction, although a three-week nationwide police search failed to reveal the whereabouts of either the bike or its abductor.  A post mortem suggests that it may have been abandoned and, unable to find its way home, fallen prey to the recent cold snap known as BST (British Summer Time) and simply frozen to death.

A memorial service is to be held in its home town of Basingstoke, Details to follow.

Psychiatrists warn Parents: your Child may be demented

"Totally demented" - a psychiatrist speaks
Following the shock discovery by psychiatrists that video game addiction is a new, highly profitable, mental illness to be treated on the NHS at taxpayers' expense (see article here), the mental health industry briefly ran dangerously low on stocks of nuances of human behaviour to label as mental illnesses.

The so-called Behavioral Nuance Crisis has however been alleviated by the discovery of a new, hitherto unexpected illness.

America Shocked as Trump Tops New Poll in California

The civilised world (Iceland) was left reeling today as news emerged from California that Donald Trump just topped an opinion poll.

The question put before 350,000 people was: who is the worst President of the US since Barak Obama?

The result was:
Donald Trump 38%
Don't Know 32%
Lo Siento, No Hablo Inglés 30%

The following day Trump topped another poll, this time in West Virginia. The question asked of 200000  voters was: who is the best US President since Barak Obama?

The voting was as follows:
Donald Trump 85%
Don't Know 14%
Lo Siento, No Hablo Inglés 1%

Breaking News: Government to ban football after latest violent outrage.

This latest horror has also spurred moves to makes ear-flicking a capital offence after victim spends three years in hospital and loses his hearing.

NHS to Provide Therapy for People Who Think They are Awake

News in Brief:

THE GREAT AWAKENING is happening. People are waking up. Yet some people have woken to discover they are living in a planetary loony bin and secretly wish they could go back to sleep, while others have only dreamed they woke up but are actually still asleep. The good news is the NHS is now providing group therapy for those in the latter category. If you think this is just the kind of help you or a loved-one might need, watch this video