Chaos of universe may soon be explained!

British Particle Avoider Leads to Discovery of Subatomic Particle That is Always Late

by Steve Cook

In the continued effort to penetrate the deepest secrets of the universe (or, failing that, establish new and improved ways to blow things up), British Scientists recently unveiled their successor to the European Hadron Particle Collider.

Experts Believe that Shakespeare was the Inventor/First Exponent of the Christma Panto

by Steve Cook

Researchers have discovered that Shakespeare invented the Christmas Pantomime and was the first exponent of this highly-evolved art form. 

In fact, the discovery of some old manuscripts in a trunk at his former home in Stratford-Upon-Avon have revealed a shocking truth. The much-venerated playwright may actually have been trying to make a career as the author of scripts for pantomimes before he accidentally became famous as the greatest exponent of the English language in the history of the universe.

New Domain Names will make Websites sound more Gangsta

.Shit to be the new .Com?

by Steve Cook

If you are looking for a way to make your website more catchy, then a digital marketing company may have the answer!

Tech giant Microdross have launched a new series of domain names that will make your website or blog sound more gangsta.

Scientists have discovered that Nobody Knows What's Going on

by Steve Cook

Five hundred of the world's top scientists assembled  in Geneva last week in a last-ditch effort to achieve a breakthrough in the search for the scientific Holy Grail known, in layman's terms, as "finding out what is going on".

Government to Ban Brussels Sprouts

"Latest Move will Protect Environment," says Ministry of Vegetables


In the wake of recent shock discoveries by scientists that human flatulence may be the cause of global warming, the government has today introduced a ban on so-called Greenhouse Vegetables such as baked beans, chickpeas and the notorious Brussels Sprout.

Mystery of Non-Rising Sea Levels Solved.


Sea levels have been rising at a rate that may well trigger an ELE (Extinction Level Event) for the Global Warming Industry and send tidal waves of despair throughout many worthy humanitarian causes such as HALO (Help the Aged Loony Oligarch) and MOFASTO (Merchants of Fear and Similar Terrorist Organisations). The disappearance of so many familiar anagrams may well may, however, provide some consolation for societies such as SEA (Society for the Elimination of Anagrams).

Cycling Helmet Embarrassment Syndrome Soon to be Thing of the Past, Experts Claim.

Researchers have discovered the primary factor preventing millions of the nation's men from leaving their cars in the garage and taking up the healthier alternative of cycling instead.

By survey, the anxiety that causes men to reject cycling is not, as had been previously believed, the exertion required, the fear of a heart attack or the fact that cycling takes you ages to get anywhere, but what experts are calling CHES, Cycling Helmet Embarrassment Syndrome.

Popular Biscuit may be Bending the Space-Time Continuum

by Steve Cook

Intensive research is now under way in an effort to unravel the mystery of the McVities Chocolate Hobnob, which scientists believe is violating several laws of nature (especially the Law of Conservation of Energy) not to mention some strong hints and helpful suggestions (such as gravity).

It was Albert Einstein, a huge Chocolate Hobnob fan, who first noticed some startling anomalies associated with this popular delicacy.

Dinosaurs May Have Worn Hats, Scientists Believe

by Steve Cook, our man on the sofa.

A recent re-examination of prehistoric fossils by scientists at the Natural History Museum in Neasden has resulted in discoveries that have shaken the scientific world to its core.

Failed Marriages - The White Elephant in the Room

by Steve Cook

Scientists have discovered the reason for the rise of failed marriages across the UK.

Evidence has come to light that there is a direct correlation between the rising divorce rate and the strain placed on relationships by the advent of flat-pack, self-assembly furniture - the so-called Ikea Syndrome.

Dave Shortt-Fewse of Longsuffrin, Lincolnshire for example, recently divorced his wife of 18 years, citing a five-day conflict with a three-drawer, teak-effect Ikea sideboard as grounds for the irretrievable breakdown of his patience. 

He told reporters that the final straw came when he discovered that he had put the drawers in upside down . . .

Steve Cook is the author of |the scifi spoofs Genghis Kant and The Cutter Files and other works of fiction

Boris Johnson Resignation - Real Reasons Emerge in Shock Revelation

by Steve Cook

Former British Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, whose tenure was marked by a determination to whip up a confrontation with Vladimir Putin in the best traditions of Anglo-American diplomacy, today revealed the real reasons for his resignation.

Deification of President to Proceed as Planned

by Steve Cook

The process of elevating of the US President to the status of a god is now in its advanced stages and is to proceed as planned, the Secretary of Hysteria announced today.

The move to recognize the inherent godlike nature of the current incumbent of the White House follows the example of the Roman Empire, which adopted the highly sensible and enlightened policy of deifying its emperors. That ground-breaking munificence on the part of Rome's kindly and not-at-all-bonkers rulers bestowed upon the masses the opportunity to worship them and thereby brighten their otherwise drab and pointless hovels.

Politician States The Blindingly Obvious - Whole World in Shock

by Steve Cook

The whole world was left reeling in shock yesterday when the US President, Donald Trump, unleashed the startling and unexpected discovery that, contrary to commonly-held credulousness, the media doesn't tell the truth.

In the same breath he in fact subjected the world to a double-whammy in so far as his statement marked the first time a politician, since Genghis Khan ("I'm gonna kill everybody") told the truth.

Scientific Breakthrough Enables Cats to Vocalise Their Thoughts

No-one Will Ever Regret It, Experts Predict

Scientists have developed a device that enables cats' owners to know what they are thinking.
The small electronic instrument the size of a pea (and thus roughly the same size as the cat's brain\) was developed by technicians at Futile Gizmos Inc, in Pointless Nebraska. It attaches unobtrusively to the cat's collar or alternatively can be stapled to its head so that its three hundred terabyte processor can convert the minute electronic impulses of the cat's brain into speech through a tiny electronic vocoder.

2020 Tokyo Olympics to feature Wet T-shirts after Whack-a-Mole Breakthrough

Following a ten-year campaign by devotees for the sport's recognition, the IOC have finally agreed to make the Wet T-shirt Contest an Olympic event.

The announcement was greeted with jubilation by fans of the sport the world over. Many believe that they have to thank for this forward step a relaxing of the criteria for entry into the Olympics that saw another popular sport finally granted Olympic status six months ago. 

Outraged Neasden Library to ban Enid Blyton

Hopes rise that libraries across the nation will strike similar blows for freedom and tolerance


Enid Mary Blyton, born in London in 1897 but, sadly, feared dead since 1968, was an English children's writer and the seventh best selling fiction author of all time. Her books have sold more than 600 million copies worldwide. She is best remembered for her Noddy, Famous Five, and Secret Seven series. However, a library in Neasden has today removed all her books from their shelves and adopted a policy of revoking the library membership of anyone who asks for them. It is hoped that libraries across the nation will follow their example and strike similar blows for freedom and tolerance.

Happy People may be Mentally Ill - say not-at-all-mentally-ill doctors

Scientific research unexpectedly pinpoints an imbalance of chemicals in the brain amid fears of an epidemic.

As you know, psychiatrists strive continually to find ways to improve the health and well-being of the pharmaceutical industry and to bring to our society the tranquility so characteristic of the planet's best and most peaceful graveyards.
Some mentally ill people

They have long since identified cheerful or lively people as being among society's most troublesome elements. It is only recently however that scientific research, the nature of which must remain confidential, has discovered the source of this worrying condition: an imbalance of chemicals in the brain.

The Surface-Dwelling Cow Facing Extinction, Scientists Warn

A recent scientific breakthrough saw genetic engineers successfully cross a cow with a rabbit. The birth of the first bovine-rabbit hybrid - known as the Cabbit - came after many years of failed attempts, mainly due to difficulties in finding a bull willing to participate in the unusual mating process.

The purpose of the research was to provide a much-needed shot in the arm to the veal and beef industries by producing a cow that would breed like . . . er, rabbits, with a calving Cabbit able to produce a litter of ten or more calves three or four times a year. The economic advantages of the increased yield are obvious.

England Fans Riot in Russia, Attack England Fans in Brexit Brawl

Violence flared at the World Cup today when England fans became embroiled in a mass brawl with England fans.

The trouble was provoked by FIFA's earlier warning that England fans could be punished if they indulged in any pro-Brexit, anti-EU chanting.

This, predictably, guaranteed that England fans would take the warning to heart, pull out all the stops, exercise their human right to taunt whomsoever they please, especially foreigners and spend the entire ninety minutes of today's match gleefully chanting anti-Eu, pro-Brexit sentiments at the tops of their voices.

Knife-throwing Monkey Protects Home from Intruder

Ninjapet Dismembers Burglar

by Steve Cook

Ninjapet Defenders Ltd (NDI), a company at the cutting edge of home security, today expressed its pride and pleasure at the recent performance of Malcolm the Monkey, one of its top-of-the-range, state-of-the-arts of products, 

NDI supplies pets highly trained in various martial skills so as to present a deadly but at the same time cute and cuddly added security for your home or office, especially in fighting off and/or mutilating and/or |(preferably) killing unwelcome intruders such as burglars, bailiffs, and so forth. At the same time it provides household pets with improved career opportunities and the opportunity to earn their keep instead of sitting around all day eating and leaving stains on the carpet.

A case in point is Malcolm, a monkey highly trained in the skills of knife-throwing. Last Monday night he skilfully and with deadly precision dismembered a burglar who had broken into a home in Shrewsbury armed only with a set of Indonesian antique throwing knives (the monkey that is, not the burglar) and is now being hailed a hero. Some have criticised the ferocity with which Malcolm took out the intruder and then threw his head at passing cars but it is believed he must have mistaken the burglar for a political canvasser.

Ninjapets provide a comprehensive range of trained pets or, if you prefer, train your existing pet (except goldfish) into becoming deadly killing machines in only three weeks of full-time training.


Such pets include:


Researchers Teach Gorilla that Brexit Stole His Future

by Steve Cook

In the wake of startling successes in teaching apes sign language, researchers at  The University of Neasden have made another breakthrough. 

They have extended the vocabulary of basic signs of Dennis the Gorilla to 347. Dennis has proven able to communicate and assimilate increasingly complex concepts and they have finally managed to get him to understand how Brexit has stolen his future. 

At a recent press conference, in which he demanded a second referendum, a distressed and gloomy Dennis told reporters that what Brexiters have failed to appreciate is . . .  (continued on page 1132)

Related News: 
Man turns into polar bear on M25, fined for not wearing seatbelt page 2342386

Missing Bike may have frozen to Death

The nation is in mourning today following news that the bike that was reported missing three weeks ago has been found dead on the edge of Epping Forest.

It was believed to have been the victim of an abduction, although a three-week nationwide police search failed to reveal the whereabouts of either the bike or its abductor.  A post mortem suggests that it may have been abandoned and, unable to find its way home, fallen prey to the recent cold snap known as BST (British Summer Time) and simply frozen to death.

A memorial service is to be held in its home town of Basingstoke, Details to follow.

Psychiatrists warn Parents: your Child may be demented

"Totally demented" - a psychiatrist speaks
Following the shock discovery by psychiatrists that video game addiction is a new, highly profitable, mental illness to be treated on the NHS at taxpayers' expense (see article here), the mental health industry briefly ran dangerously low on stocks of nuances of human behaviour to label as mental illnesses.

The so-called Behavioral Nuance Crisis has however been alleviated by the discovery of a new, hitherto unexpected illness.

America Shocked as Trump Tops New Poll in California

The civilised world (Iceland) was left reeling today as news emerged from California that Donald Trump just topped an opinion poll.

The question put before 350,000 people was: who is the worst President of the US since Barak Obama?

The result was:
Donald Trump 38%
Don't Know 32%
Lo Siento, No Hablo Inglés 30%

The following day Trump topped another poll, this time in West Virginia. The question asked of 200000  voters was: who is the best US President since Barak Obama?

The voting was as follows:
Donald Trump 85%
Don't Know 14%
Lo Siento, No Hablo Inglés 1%

Breaking News: Government to ban football after latest violent outrage.


This latest horror has also spurred moves to makes ear-flicking a capital offence after victim spends three years in hospital and loses his hearing.

NHS to Provide Therapy for People Who Think They are Awake

News in Brief:

THE GREAT AWAKENING is happening. People are waking up. Yet some people have woken to discover they are living in a planetary loony bin and secretly wish they could go back to sleep, while others have only dreamed they woke up but are actually still asleep. The good news is the NHS is now providing group therapy for those in the latter category. If you think this is just the kind of help you or a loved-one might need, watch this video

Man-U-Like Agency provides the Full Fantasy Husband Experience


The escort agency - in which men pay women to be seen with them and pretend they like them - has become something of a boom industry of late.

The boom has occurred as more and more men have discovered that it is easier to pay in cash for women to be nice to them than by the traditional barter system of doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, remembering anniversaries and wearing fresh socks occasionally.

Psychiatrists develop new mental illness

by Steve Cook

The psychiatric industry is today celebrating the release of it latest mental illness.

Known as PND, it is confidently expected by its inventors to smash previous records set by popular fictions such as ADHD, which grossed over a bazillion dollars in pharmaceutical sales and brought the benefits of the fashionable Chemical Straightjacket to millions of children, enabling them to grow into fully dysfunctional adults by the age of 32.

Miracle Drugs Vindicated!

As we now know, Heroin and Cocaine are good for you, say researchers

by Steve Cook

Researchers at the Brain-U-Like Institute in Barking have today announced a breakthrough that is certain to send shock waves throughout government and other hotbeds of gullibility.

Breaking News - Government to Act as Pillow Carnage Escalates


The government has hastily introduced new legislation to ban pillows. 

Putin, Assad and Miracle Weapons Shock!

by Steve Cook

In an earlier article we released tapes that proved beyond common sense that Bashar Assad used chemical weapons on his own people for no apparent reason except a determination to encourage the West to bomb his country - or probably might have done if the tape was genuine, which it probably might have been.

The consensus among government spin doctors and the media and other completely trustworthy sources of information is that they are telling the truth and if you don’t believe them you are probably a terrorist, citizen or some other troublemaker.

Assad and Chemical Weapons - the Truth! (And We're not Even Lying This Time)

The intelligence agencies have just unearthed this secret recording of a conversation between Bashar Assad and some of his military advisers. 

A spokesman for the British government’s Ministry of Truth, Jonathan Fibbs, said: “This recording has been authenticated by government experts who cannot be named for security reasons as one hundred percent genuine. It was sent to us by a source who cannot be named for . . . er, security reasons but which, hand on heart, we can assure you is one hundred percent genuine and not at all fake and we are not even lying this time. The voice on the tape has been authenticated as being that of Bashar Assad, even though it does not sound like him and has a Kurdish accent but this is because Assad had a cold at the time the recording was secretly . . . er, recorded.”

New Justice System that fast-tracks Guilty Verdict makes everything lovely

by Steve Cook

The government today announced forthcoming sweeping changes to the British Justice System.

The changes are designed to eliminate slows and occasioned by the current need for unnecessary inconveniences such as so-called “proof” or “evidence” and will enable HMG to fast-track a guilty verdict without anyone having to think too much, which as you know can be quite tiring.

Oh What a Lovely New War!

by Steve Cook

Following the so-called War on Terror that ended in a draw after extra time and the so-called War on Drugs that resulted in an embarrassing defeat, the government today launched a new War that it is confident will prove even more popular than the first two.

In this new War, it will draw heavily on its experience in the first two practice wars, to guarantee complete victory this time.

This is the so-called War on Peace, which it has already begun heavily promoting in the media.

Newsflash!

Scientists have just proved conclusively that the Sun goes around the Earth but avoids England

Government to Introduce PTSD to Tackle Parenting Crisis



by Steve Cook

The government has today announced plans for the establishment of a new ministry.

The PTSD (Parental Training and Standards Department) will be tasked with tackling the national parenting crisis that has brought the country to its knees.

Wikidleaks: a Whistle-Blower's Tale

or How to Annoy your Government

A five-minute story by Steve Cook

Once upon a time the world was ruled by wise men who knew what was best for everyone, although in those far-off days “wise” meant “owning big shiny rockets” and what was best for everyone was generally considered to be what was good for really rich people. One is not after all entitled to Good Things unless one is in a position to pay for them and Good Things just happened to be so expensive that only really rich people could afford them. Those who were less than really rich had to settle for more modest and pragmatic aspirations such as being regularly shafted and donating their children to the latest war effort, which is only fair when you think about it.

Correction


Once Upon a Time . . .

A One Minute Story by Steve Cook

A One Minute Story by Steve Cook

Once upon a time in a land far removed from common sense, in a cave deep under the Mountains of Avarice, there lurked a government.

Daily Scare Exclusive: Author announces he no longer identifies as a man, Shock

Author and regular contributor to The Daily Scare, Steve Cook recently described as "extremely sinister" by Donald Trump,  today announced that he no longer identifies as a man. Here is his statement in  full.

Hypochondrapocalypse: Rise of the Almost Dead

This Week’s Film Review by Steve Cook

Armageddon Entertainment presents a harrowing portrait of an apocalyptic future in which the human race succumbs to a mysterious epidemic of uncertain provenance that threatens to cause humanity to worry itself into early extinction.

Not at all shifty guy announces the Greatest Business Idea in History!

by Steve Cook

You and everyone you know can be billionaires by this time next week with this new Business Opportunity that cannot possibly fail! You too can get rich without any effort and become a pet food billionaire overnight and we're not even lying.

Heartbroken Leatherhead Man Betrayed by Unfaithful Sex Doll

by Steve Cook

The world has been left reeling in shock today with the announcement that distraught Arthur Mental (49) of Leatherhead in Surrey is to sue the PerviDo Corporation (PDC) for a sum experts have described as “undisclosed yet probably ridiculous”.

Mental Health Shock!

Millions of Journalists and Politicians Diagnosed with CLD as Mental Health Epidemic Spreads.


CLD (Compulsive Lying Disorder) is also known in psychiatric circles as pseudologia fantastica, or TBS (Tony Blair Syndrome).

It is a condition that describes the behaviour of someone who is pathologically incapable of not lying even when there is no need to. The sufferer believes that if he stops lying even for a second, something horrible will happen, such as peace breaking out, the country being taken over by sensible people or millions of citizens and other subversive minorities developing trains of independent thought.

Millions of Voters in Plot to Rig Election, Shock!

An investigation has today been launched in an effort to get to the bottom of the latest election-rigging scandal

A spokesperson for the government’s Ministry of Hysteria announced that the government is gravely concerned by the possibility that a “large number” of “voters” rigged the election by voting Labour despite being told not to by Theresa May and Barak Obama.

Your Emperor's Christmas Message

The Text in Full

Ave Britons!

It is I, your Emperor, Caesar Nefarius Vexus, addressing my loyal minions of the province of Britannia from my luxury fallout shelter, whose location must be withheld for security reasons.

As you know, I recently chose for you a new Governor to replace the slightly mad Cameronius Conservitus after he so manifestly failed to suppress the revolt of the tribe of the Brexix under their leader Faragus, which nearly led to the calamity of secession from the Europa branch of the Empire of the entire province of Britannia.

Just when you thought it was safe to go to the Cinema . . .

The World has been afflicted by a new biological anomaly as the superhero pandemic spreads

Thus far the pandemic has spawned a variety of mutations and we have become accustomed here in Sodom City to seeing heterosexual animal-related superheroes like Wolverine, Spiderman, Batman, Ant Man, Catwoman and Robin climbing up the sides of buildings, breaking the speed limit, damaging real estate and beating people up in imaginitive ways.

President-elect to endorse the Turnip

One of the most closely guarded secrets of the American presidential elections is that Donald Trump is secretly planning to endorse the turnip as soon as he takes over as Leader of the Free World (Mars).

This follows recent startling scientific discoveries that the turnip, long regarded by food lovers everywhere as the world's most boring vegetable, is in fact the most nutritious, which when you think about it is not exactly the kind of news an increasing health-and-diet-conscious nation wants to hear.

Alcohol: the Myth Debunked

Daily Scare science correspondent, exclusive report

Experts have been alleging for many years that alcohol has many uses, apart from the obvious one, and among these is that it helps you get stains out of clothes.

Truth or myth? I decided to put this to the test in a carefully controlled experiment.

NewTory Manifesto to Include Plans for Armageddon It Completely Forgot to Mention in the Last One

Following last week's discovery that political parties have been accidentally forgetting to mention in their manifestos certain key points in their plans for the country, the Tory party has issued a revised manifesto.

It will present the new manifesto to the people at the soon-to-be-held general election that will result from the discovery that the recent EU Referendum was actually a PR exercise and not, as many people thought, an exercise in democracy.

A slight administrative error had caused a succession of governments to omit from their manifestos certain points that, it surprisingly turned out, the country's voters would quite like to know about.

Vladimir Putin to Flood West with Marmite Substitute!

Tesco's recent refusal to stock Marmite has ignited a firestorm of fury that threatens to tear civilisation apart.

It started when Swiss company Unilever owned up to being Marmite's manufacturer and then made matters worse by trying to hike the price of the controversial substance, citing the falling pound making imports more expensive. This was despite the fact that Marmite is produced in Britain and only the Brits can be persuaded to eat it.

In Yer Face, Putin

A shock discovery proves that Washington was right all along and not, as everyone thought, run by criminally insane douche bags who happened to have gotten their hands on the biggest arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in the history of the universe.

As those who were following events in post-coup Ukraine will know, the majority ethnic Russian population of Crimea voted overwhelmingly in a referendum to leave Ukraine and rejoin Russia in an effort to escape the Nazi regime America had so kindly and thoughtfully installed in Kiev for nothing but humanitarian motives (and nothing at all to do with provoking Russia or handing vast swathes of fertile Ukrainian land over to Monsanto and other humanitarian organisations devoted to abolishing the food chain).